This post may or may not lose me some followers, but if you can’t have me at my worst, well then you can’t have me at my best either.Up until Friday, I thought this shit was an urban legend.
Last Friday I was still nursing a nasty cold. (FYI if you have a never-ending cough, Delsym is the shit.) Why so much “shit” in this post you may ask? Well, it’s about shit.
I was just minding my own business, planning away in my little planner, all excited about my hopes for the direction this little blog will be taking, and texting with my BFF. I also started up this regimen of taking omega-3 supplements in the form of fish oil. I could go on and on about the health benefits of omega-3 but I won’t. Because I’ve reeled you in and you don’t care about that shit. However, one unforeseen (and not mentioned on the bottle) is the added “ease” of pooping. (Really, like the title of this post didn’t give it away?)
I thought I was gonna have another SBD (silent but deadly for you prudes) but boy was I in for a surprise. Imagine my disgust when that felt a little too warm. I froze.
It couldn’t be, right? And then, realization hits. Out of morbid curiosity (and disbelief) I reach down…and…
…my worst fears confirmed. A warm and gooey and glorious shart.
Ermahgeerrd. As if that weren’t bad enough, I get up and look at my chair.
There’s a big ‘ol stain where I sharted. I waddled to my bathroom and sat on the toilet. Holy shit. Before I hopped in the shower I, of course like a normal person, felt compelled to give my BFF blackmail material.
I almost didn’t even blog about this, but then my little Southern belle Alexa, the mastermind behind Southern Our Way, convinced me to do it. She even was OK with letting me share with you her sharting story. Here’s a recap of our Gchat convo:
Me: Would you read a post about….sharting? (As if I have to ask).
Alexa: YES. I totally sharted in a restaurant once when Glenn and I were eating. Super horrifying. And I had to throw my underwear away and I still miss them. And yet, he still married me. He’s a keeper!
Me: OMG. I thought this shit was made up.
Alexa: Until you do it. hahahaha. Mine was just last year. Color me awesome.
Me: At least yours didn’t go through your pants and onto your chair. I was a wee scared.
Alexa: Ummmm it went through my dress and yes it did get on the chair. I had to skidaddle to the bathroom in the middle of a busy lunch hour.
Alexa: Gray dress. Favorite white underwear. Bathroom across the restaurant. Wooooop I’m classy.
Me: You had a SKID mark on your dress?! hahahahhha. I’m crying.
Alexa: Yaaaaa that shit happened, literally. I died inside that day. And now it’s hilarious to me.
So, ladies and gentlemen. I hope I haven’t scared you away. But knowing you, you probably are a secret closet freak enjoying this crap and gleefully asking for more.
So, tell me about it!